Toxic Family: Living in Toxic Family Enmeshment
Are you a grown adult with your own marriage and children and you keep being pulled into your parent or siblings’ lives. Has it turned into an exhausting nightmare?
Out of family loyalty, you stay and keep living in this chaos. Most often a person stays because of being stuck under one or two controlling, narcissistic parents, family member, or spouse.
Maybe you are just trying to continue to be the GOOD person who helps save and fix everyone. You may think this is a normal, loving family dynamic, but it is not a healthy family situation at all. We are talking about toxic family enmeshments.
You tell yourself there is something dysfunctional about all of this. But you stay and tolerate it out of love and loyalty. You continue to give your constant time and energy. It exhausts you. No one is listening to each other. No one will agree to sit down and communicate. The fighting amongst family members continues and do not dare think about walking away, they are your FAMILY! How you feel does not matter, a spot for individual feelings doesn’t even exist. This is toxic family enmeshment. It is abuse. It is emotionally draining.
Enmeshment: Is Your Family Taking Up Too Much Space In Your Life?
I have been reading up on this lately. It resonates with many of us, but it is not talked about. An enmeshed family is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where personal boundaries are weak or nonexistent, and family members are emotionally fused together. In this system, individuality is discouraged.
This is the family reality that many of us live in, sacrificing much of ourselves without even realizing it because of love, guilt, and responsibility to our family. Your family begins taking up too much space in your life. You have no life of your own. They manipulate, argue, tell lies, play family like pawns against each other, and strategically destroy the family with all this drama.
You need to hear me when I say that they know exactly what they are doing. They plan it. They plot it. They cause it. They control it. They cause this toxic family enmeshment.
They realize that they are selfishly draining you of your time and energy. They run you ragged physically and emotionally with their drama for their own personal gains. And if they get what they want, nothing else matters.
The Parent Makes Their Life the Entire Family’s Problem
Let’s use the example of a controlling, ego-driven male parent in their 2nd toxic marriage with a woman 15-years younger than him. There are grown children from first marriages on both sides and children together.
The first 10 years has some happiness. There has always been manipulation, arguing, and drama happening in the marriage. The marriage is toxic. The age difference is causing much of this and both of their bad habits. Worry and drama spread between the grown children. With family enmeshment, a toxic marriage becomes the entire family’s problem. In fact, it is the main SHOW in everyone’s lives, every single day.
Some of the grown children are pulled in between the 2 toxic parents more than others because of assigned family roles. In many cases, some of the grown children gladly step back and let the golden child or the scapegoat or the child that is the controlling parent's emotional baggage carrier be at the parents “beck and call.”
Dysfunctional Family Roles: Identifying and Addressing Them
It is a storm brewing, created by one controlling person and 2 two toxic adults. No one sees it or experiences it but family. Outsiders get a show of love and close family shown to them. And some extended family see it, enable it. or ignore it. Life goes on as usual. Nothing is discussed. Nothing changes. The arguing escalates. The family is slowly torn apart day by day. The family has always been on 2 separate sides, especially during holidays. They all get through it, but that feeling is there hanging over it all. Those enmeshed family members see it as “their family’s normal dysfunction.“
As the dysfunction goes on, things blow up. Oftentimes, the golden child or the scapegoat or the child that is the controlling parent's emotional baggage carrier and the parents “beck and call” person takes the brunt of all of it and becomes the enemy to the entire family and even extended family.
Walking Away from Toxic Family Enmeshment
Take some good advice. Walk away from toxic family enmeshment. Do not let a controlling, toxic parent or parents or family do this to you. Do not play this evil game. It never ends well. The innocent gets hurt most of the time when they are just trying to do the right thing.
Toxic marriages are the problem of the two people in the marriage. We cannot fix the marriage for them. Nor should we be involved in their arguments and drama. We have our own lives to live. You have the right as a grown adult child to tell them you are not getting involved. Tell them “to go figure it out.” And you should never feel guilt over this.
A toxic parent who uses drama, arguments, manipulation, lies, selfishness, guilt, and unhealthy habits to keep their family and children enmeshed should see a councilor or therapist right away. There is something wrong with this person emotionally, mentally, or both. You or any family members can’t fix them. And they are impossible to live with or around.
For the grown children of a toxic parent or an enmeshed toxic family, distance is the answer. Distance yourself from them. We owe them respect and love, only if it’s given. As adults, we all have a responsibility to take care of ourselves and our own lives.