What to Do When You are Hurt Deeply By Someone You Love
It is painful. How do you go on after the devastation of being hurt deeply by family or someone else that you loved? I was advised to give it to God, but I did not underdstand the true meaning of that for quite a while. Stay reading until the end, where I talk about this more!
I spent years replaying what happened and wondering how someone that was supposed to love me so much could treat me this way. It felt like absolute betrayal. It made me sick inside. Do you understand this pain?
If you do, I am terribly sorry that you are going through this. Because you were loyal, you trusted them, you treated them well, you loved them, you respected them, and you were committed to them. We deserve the love we give to be returned back to us.
But the truth is some people are not capable of returning that. And they will continue to prove that to you repeatedly. Because to them it is all about getting what they want. Something is wrong with them, not YOU! They may have a character disorder. They could be emotionally abusive. They could have a mental illness. It may be narcissism or selfishness. It is like a game to them. They love playing with people’s minds. But bottom line, it is usually about control, winning, ego, money, power, or getting other things in life that they want.
Realizing You Were Taken Advantage Of
Realize that this person took advantage of your feelings and soft heart. Was this person mean, selfish, and manipulative to you? If they were family, were there others that played a part in hurting you. Because your loved ones can be very charming and convincing, while taking advantage of your time, energy, and love.
But you would never treat someone like this. And no one deserves it. And they will never change. They might have an illness, sickness, disorder, or selfishness. They most likely, will refuse to admit or seek help for. See the big picture, which is what you failed to see all along.
Dealing with Your Hurt and Pain
You are devastated. It was (or is) a crazy mess. You did not ask for any of this, but you have a choice to pull yourself out if you are a grown adult.
Deal with your hurt and pain. Write down on paper your feelings. Write a letter to this person (that you might never give it to) but It helps tremendously or tell a good friend. Get out how it made you feel. This is validation and this is healing.
Time. You need time. My husband told me, “Things will look different in 1 year.” He was so right. In my situation, my husband was my rock. I hope you are blessed with a husband as supportive as mine. If you don’t have, I hope you have someone in your corner. If you do not, YOU be in your corner.
Nevertheless, give yourself time. It takes time for the pain not to hurt so bad. But my husband’s important words reminded me and they can remind you to…
Focus on the moment you are in.
Tell yourself you did your best because you did.
Remind yourself that this person is unhealthy.
It does not matter what other people think or say, it is your life to live.
Family is no excuse to stay and let them keep controlling you and hurting you.
Surround youself with people who listen to you and treat you well.
Take small steps to break free and live your life and protect yourself.
Do things you love, smile more, laugh often.
Have faith in yourself. Have faith that moving forward away from this person is the healthiest move you can make. Even if it is a parent, sibling, or other close person.
Self-Centered and Narcissistic
I have learned the hard lesson that sometimes people that you love can depend on you too much. Overtime, they become used to you running to their rescue, supporting their nonsense, and giving your time and energy to them. This is unbelievably selfish and self-centered, and narcissistic. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition defined by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.
You will discover they were betraying your love all along in ways you never realized.
Enablers are All Around You
You will also realize that there are many enablers around you! An enabler is a person or thing that makes something possible, or someone who supports the self-destructive behavior of another person. Open your eyes. I would like to warn you that these enablers just want calm waters for themselves and whatever you have to endure is your own worry, because they don’t care. As long as the main manipulator is invading someone else’s life, and not theirs, they are absolutely fine with that.
When families have the same drama and toxic dysfunction continuing for years, it’s because there were enablers allowing it to happen. No one speaks up. No one rocks the boat. Everything is swept under the rug. The image is protected. The person is protected. The one person holds the power. It’s sickening.
Distance yourself from these enablers, even if they are family. These are not healthy people. Life around them will never feel good, and it will never change. The drama surrounds them. They are not capable of self-assessment. They make excuses. They avoid conflict. They live in denial.
Distance Yourself. Protect Yourself.
Run away, don’t walk. Distance yourself. Protect yourself. But get away from all of it. The pain of losing this relationship or family will fade. Why? How do I know? Because you see a clearer picture after distance. Living this life is not fair to you. You are the only one who can make moves to protect yourself and change the life you live.
Do not respond to any way that they try to communicate. No calls, no texts, no letters, no emails, no social media. Never respond. Block. It’s over.
Stop, slow down, breathe, and focus on more positive things in your life and slowly move past it. Move on.
Add these good things to your life…
Join a local group to meet people face to face for some fun
Refuse to let the replays happen in your mind-have positive affirmation statements
Give yourself grace by reminding yourself you always did your best
More REAL, HEALTHY foods with each meal
Take small powerwalks or do short power moves for mobility
Read, read, read a good book
Reach out and ask a friend to do go shopping or our for coffee or lunch
Get a pet
Visit an old folks home, they are lonely
Drop all electronics for 4 hours, no phone, no internet, no tv! It is awesome. I call it 4 hours of FREEDOM.
Sit outside and just take deep breaths, naming what you see to “be in the moment.”
“There’s power in staying true to yourself. Embrace it.”
Giving it to God. I didn’t know how to take this advice from a friend because I was so deeply hurt. Part of me was mad at God because my life went this way in the first place. How could he let this happen to me? My pain was so raw at this time.
The manipulators, had me thinking that I should feel guilty for not staying and taking more of the pain longer. I felt guilt over exploding because I couldn’t take anymore. I felt guilt over everything. But that’s their goal. To guilt you into doing and staying.
One day, I gave it to God. I was outside, looking up to the clouds. I was crying. I was in pain. I said “God I didn’t deserve this because I tried to be so good.” “God I loved and took care of my people deeply, why did they do this to me?” “God I give my pain to you today. I can’t bear it any longer.“
The hard part wasn’t saying it. That part felt good. I felt myself release it. But from then on I had to live and move past it.
Thoughts and triggers come from time to time. I don’t let them consume my mind. My husband and I say grace before our daily dinner meal and I remember to thank God he took the pain and helped guide me to keep going. To keep working on myself.
I did not see the lessons and positive ways my life changed for the better after the toxic relationship/s were over. I deserve the love, committment, and respect that I give to be given back to me. I don’t deserve to be taken advantage of, used, abused, and manipulated for the gain or pleasure of others.
Hello I am Darlene McKinney, auther of the Bloom Beautiful Blog. I write about dealing with the pain that comes with toxic family, toxic relationships, and hard seasons. Visit www.darlenemckinney.com to find more GIFTS & RESOURCES.
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